grad school vs. capitalism

It was said in class the other day that we have far too many unfunded graduate students (agreed) and that grad school isn't about making money (also true). But I think that's an ideal, and that there are only a few grad students in any given school that meet that ideal. To meet that ideal we'd have no dependents, preferably we'd even still be somebody else's dependent.

I only know my own situation, and I can't speak for anybody else, and I'm not going to try to. The more I've thought it out, I've realized that I'm being sort of Marxian about the whole thing, but it's late and this is a blog, not a seminar paper, so you'll have to forgive me the specifics of what he might have said about it all. (I'm also worried about people thinking I'm trying to garner pity, well.. I'm not. But there's complications here, and I think we all have them, and I think we're also often asked to ignore them or drop out, and to me *neither* is an option.)

In any case, as I've told some people, my dad had a stroke 13 years ago. He can't work. My mom stays home to take care of him. My grandma moved in with us back then, but just two years after she *too* had a stroke and my mom also had to stay home and take care of her. My mom got so used to being home that she's slightly agoraphobic and terrifically depressed from time to time, so despite my grandma passing away she still doesn't work. My parents helped me pay for my undergraduate degree, despite this, right up until the point when I got a real good look at their finances thanks to online banking and told them to bugger off.

Now, several changes in health care over the past two years have done a lot to screw them over. My dad's pension is beyond the poverty line, so there's no goverment assistance available. My mom refuses to get herself mentally checked out enough to go on medical disability, so she's not getting the benefits she could be, and believe me, I've tried. When extra money is needed, because my dad's union decides to stop doing things like providing good cheap health care to their retirees, paying for things around here falls to nobody but me.

Because, of course, there is just me. They helped me save when I was younger, and now I do the same for them. Stocks, various high interest short term savings accounts, really whatever's earning me the best interest, I'm putting that away for them now. Sure, some of you would probably say "Well fuck them, they're your parents and should be taking care of you" yeah well, they did. And I feel like I have two options, put money away for the inevitable NOW, or end up giving them pretty big loans later (and not all that later) that would be more difficult to manage.

At the same time, I'm of course also paying for all my own shit, and saving money. Hence, I work. And go to school. And find ways to make that work.

Now, given this, just why the heck would I come back to school anyway?

Well, I spent a year contracting editing/publishing/writing/computer work before I started adjuncting. It was difficult to put money away for anybody while doing this, because my pay rates changed pretty darn often. It was stressful, and a lot of long term positions were being sold to Kelly services and Manpower, and though I checked those out, I was making more on my own on average than doing the same work for just a little over minimum wage, despite that little over minimum wage being steady.

Thus, I found adjuncting. I love teaching, so I quickly started picking up more and more courses. But teaching, and being a faculty member at a private school that encouraged us to go to conferences and publish, just served to remind me of what I was missing. I wanted to go further in school, and I always knew that, but I knew that I wasn't alone in this. I'm in a steady relationship, I have other people that depend on me for some money and emotional junk, and ultimately I had to make the best decision for everybody--not just me.

And that is the decision I think everybody that goes back to school HAS to make unless they're completely alone, unless they're also comfortable being completely selfish. I'm funded right now for a variety of reasons:

1. It's more money for fewer hours per week than adjuncting
2. free tuition
3. I'm getting experience working in a writing center, which I haven't had before

Now, that situation might shift. We *could* be asked to work a lot more hours in the writing center for our money. At which point...

1. I'd be making a lot LESS money for my time than I could teaching
2. If I could spend those hours teaching I could make up for the free tuition
3. After this year, I've got the writing center experience line on my CV

So what, if anything, does that mean?
If it was just me, the first situation is always best. But even if I were being somewhat selfish, that second situation could still invariably blow up in my face at any time. If my parents went bankrupt, or one of them got sick and their insurance refused to cover anything (and I'm working on figuring out a way to get them on mine, though they aren't very happy about it), then wihtout considering funding vs. overall income level I too could end up broke. Or in debt. And I can't exactly afford to be in debt *and* be supporting some savings for older people *and* be considering starting my own family later.

So why be in school at all? It's funny, but I love doing this, and it's where I want to be. And I can make it work, so it's where I am. But I'm not a "responsibilities be damned" kind of girl, and I'm never going to be.