personal feminism vs. academic feminism vs. sosuave.com vs. "straight gaydar"

In my Feminism and Composition course last night we were asked why we want to be there. For me, that question is hard to answer because my personal reasons for wanting that class and my professional ones are vastly different. On one hand, I feel as though I missed oppurtunities to learn from other women at my last school because I blew off the idea that this stuff was important, and now that I know that it is I don't want to be doing that again (personal). My dissertation might have something to do with empowering moderate voices, and I'd like to tie that into postmodern feminism as well (professional). And lastly, I just want to think of new ways of dealing with hinky situations that reveal far more about the misogyny of those I am in contact with in hopes of persuading them otherwise (personal, but yeah--fat chance).

This last is something I'd like to expand upon further here, despite this being an academic journal and despite this being a "personal problem."

One of my friends from my last school that had a couple classes with and worked on projects with has recently become a devotee of the stuff taught at sosuave.com. This site gives advice to men on how to pick up women, get their phone numbers, and also not ever be very attached to one women (oneitis) even in marriage. Oh yeah, and you need to touch people a lot (kino).

Now my first reaction was to call bullshit on all that. If some guy touches me in a bar he might very well end up with his own hand shoved straight up his patoot. Strangers don't get good touch/bad touch privleges, even if they are trying to get my bloody phone number. Actually, I don't go to bars or clubs to meet people, I go with existing friends, so any time I've ever been approached by anybody (and yes, some of them have used these techniques) has been somewhat disastrous for them and they walked away thinking I was a huge bitch because I don't and didn't give in.

But as he continues to write about this on his blog, and as I started to read that site (which I found by googling some language he uses, it may not ACTUALLY be where he goes, I don't know) I've found that's not my primary reaction. It's clear that these techniques do work, even if not particularly on me, and that the things said about women on these sites is destructive and sort of terrifying.

Now he claims that this is all about being more confident and being able to get what he wants by being more confident. But what does he want, and how does confidence effect that?

So... let's begin with a few quotes.

"The thought of whether she likes you should never cross your mind. It is not important BEFORE you ask for the number. The important thing is you WANTING her. Always ask yourself "Do I want this one?". And the answer should be 'Wow. Boy do I!' That is all you need to know. Real men TAKE what they want." From here. This statement, and others just like it, repeated over and over again, are something akin to the biggest promotion of rape culture I've ever read in my entire life.

And, from the same page:
""Feminism came without warning... and conquered men. It has created a generation of neurotic males. A male of this time may be one of them.

-Do you believe it is wrong to judge a woman by how she looks?

-Do you believe it is wrong to advance on a woman, sexually, with no verbal consent?

-Do you believe women have been 'discriminated' because of their gender, that males intentionally put women down?

-Do you believe that in sex, it is wrong to even consider to 'have your way with her' and become and be the sensuous animal you've always dreamed?

-Do you believe women desire, as priority, respect?

"If you believe in any of these things, even just a little, you have been affected by Modern Feminism. It is the virus that creates the effects known as Nice Guyius Patheticus!"

And this is what one of my "friends" is believing in.

This site repeats, over and over again, that women have TOO MUCH POWER and it must be taken from them at all costs.

Women should be MORE OBJECTIFIED, not less.

Furthermore, all women on the site are referred to by numbers representing their overall hotness. Hotness is based upon nothing but personal appearance, of course, because what a man WANTS on this site and what a man believes he deserves, what he is entitled to, is a woman that is far more attractive than he might be (which was something I noticed a whole heck of a lot at my last school. If you don't ever leave the front of your computer, eat nothing but ramen, and never shower, don't expect a super model boys, and just following the tips on this website to change those behaviors does NOT make you MORE DESERVING of a super model, sheesh.)

""The truth: Feminism is not declaring war on masculinity but on femininity! Feminism is a political Tower of Babylon to escape the truth of Human Nature.

"I'm in America. And I LOVE foreign chicks. They are just so feminine. Here, the chicks act masculine and get fat. They find it shameful to place their time and talents into their family and children (whereas, it should be their greatest joy).

"I think it is great honor, joy, privledge, and pleasure to be a Man. Women can trump us as they can be a Mother of Men. There is much glory in masculinity and femininity. But feminists are AGAINST both."

Yes of course, all american women are fat. But what IS fat?

Well first of all, any jiggling (even normal BMI) is fat:
"So because fat girls get by because of their "booty" (if you can find it under all the cellulite), more girls can get fat, develop a "booty" and not have to exercise.

after a short time of this, the average standard for women that men have, as well as the amount of work that women have to do to attract a man decreases even more"

You know, because girls should naturally have to work out just for men.

I've also read on this site that belly fat is okay, not NOTHING on the legs or butt is, because legs and butt are what attracts men. Nevermind that belly fat is more dangerous to women's health (even a little).

If a man admits to finding something other than the "feminine ideal" super skinny attractive, he'll be called gay: "man are you homosexual? That woman in the tan pants has a nice booty? If you like men, I have nothing against that though." In fact, ANY femininity in men is seen as gay on this site.

See more quotes:
"A woman’s sexual past is a key element on how she will be subservient in her role as a wife and your chances of a marriage without overbearing strife – hors are much more haughty and stubborn than virgins!! They lie about their past sexual relationships because they know that a slut/hor (non-virgin) is an unnatural condition for a woman (future wife) and they wish to deceive you (especially if they are seeking ltr/husband material) because intelligent men know that her sexual past is directly tied to her mindset, and her devotion in her role as a wife and to her duties as a mother!" From here.

"I have only one thing to say about women's sexual past: Get in early as you can. "

"I for one will not take any woman serious who has had slept around or had flings. Its OK, if the girl has had sex when she was in love, but if she is a hor, it tells me she has no control over her sexual urges, which also means she has no control over her morals, dignity and picks Orgasms over self-respect..."

These guys want to know why feminism is still necessary since the movement "won" what it wanted.

They're the freaking reason that feminism is still important.

Lastly, I guess I just want to study more about women's studies in hopes of being able to respond and get more than a "you're stupid" answer from my friend. A mutual friend who commented to him got a brush off answer.

Ever since I found out he thinks this way now, I wonder how many times in class he was also thinking "oh her? She's just a 5" or you know, whatever. I don't like to think that whatever interactions I've had with this person involved me being a NUMBER and utterly worthless because I was a happily taken classmate and not a sexual object.

Really lastly, the blatant homophobia on that site (though they claim they aren't homophobic) ties into this conversation a bit. A lot of people that I knew at school that also knew this guy knew that he dated girls, but a lot of them thought he might be gay. I'm not sure what the difference is between "slightly feminine most likely straight guy" is in "straight gaydar" or "slightly feminine most likely gay gay" is, but there is one to most people.

Now, this fellow claims to have had lots of women problems, although he's dated (and many of my friends hadn't even gotten that far). Nobody ever wanted to tell them "Well, girls might think you're gay." It's rude, it's disrespectful of real uncloseted gay people, and it's not right to just assume something about somebody else's sexuality. Is there a place for straight gaydar at all? (that's one question... sometimes I think there is, for example one of my acquaintences who was "out" turned around and married for the sake of his religion, the girl still doens't know as far as I know, and well... in that situation and ANY like it why should either party be unhappy? As long as people aren't comfortable being out, or are told that they are intrinsically "wrong," hrm...)

But for these guys with mistaken sexual identity, a place like sosuave might seem to be the place to learn to conquer those women that they HATE because women won't date them. It's no answer, it just makes all the problems we have worse. Living in a woman's body doesn't make me want to work less, doesn't make me want to raise a family more (my SO is far more interested in that than I am at this point in time), and doesn't make me stupider dammit. Oh yeah, it also doesn't make me automatically a "hor."